Men And Women Can’t Be “Just Friends”

Gender/Sex Symbols

Opening Notes

Some of you might disagree with me, some of you might be on the fence about this, and some of you might whole heatedly scream yes while reading this post in pure agreement. Now I want to start off this post with some clarifications/disclaimers:

  • I am not trying to have this post be construed as some red pill/MGTOW/misogynistic type post, that’s just stupid
  • I do believe that men and women can definitely have a friendly relationship/be acquaintances and can most definitely have professional/work relationships
  • And finally this should go without saying, women should always be respected not only because they’re people (duh) but because they’re someone’s sister/daughter/mother/aunt/niece/cousin (double duh)

I’ve decided to make this post because after dating around in grad school and talking with some of the undergraduates in Binghamton, it seems insane to me how the youth can be so naive. But even more so, it dawned on me that there are some men and women my age and older who would still think that men and women can actually be just friends. Do a quick google search and you’ll see there are many articles supporting this and very few posts refuting this claim.

With that being said, here’s why I think every guy and girl should know that men and women can’t be just friends.

What is a Friend?

To start off I need to get some definitions laid down. The first thing that needs to be defined is what is a friend?

This definition actually was given to me from my friend Victor, who is from Moscow and he laid it all out so plainly to me. A friend is someone who you call when you have a serious problem and they show up no questions asked. A friend is like family because they have your back no matter what. A friend is someone who is loyal to you and is not afraid to stand up for you, and is not afraid to stand up to you when they think you’re throwing your life away or doing stupid shit. A friend is someone who helps you grow and helps you up when you have fallen down. A friend is someone who knows your life story and everything about you. A friend will always care about you and will not abandon you.

Everyone else in the world is just an acquaintance/buddy or just a stranger. Friends by this very definition are very rare in the world and they’re supposed to be, because to be someone’s friend is to be someone’s ally to the grave.

Americans seem to view my definition of friend as best friend, and my definitions of buddy/acquaintance as friend.

It’s Biologically Impossible

I don’t know how it is for women, but speaking as a man, I can tell you that I have 0 interest in being “just a friend” to a woman that I find attractive. When I was younger and naive I thought that men and women could be friends, I had female “friends” that I would talk to regularly but the truth was that I was attracted to them and was deluding myself to thinking we could actually be friends. I was using the “friendship” as a coping mechanism hoping that one day, just maybe, we could have a romantic relationship instead.

There are very few instances in my mind where a man can hold back on biological impulses and those are:

  1. He’s gay
  2. You work together and professionalism is paramount compared to what the little head thinks
  3. She’s part of your family

Being 25 now, I no longer bother trying to be friends with a woman, especially if I’m attracted to her. The reason being is because to deny how I feel about a woman I’m attracted to is childish and silly. I’m a man and I don’t bother hiding my true intentions with a woman. I’m interested in courtship not friendship.

I’m not against being friendly with women and helping them out with little things, as that’s just being a good person.

But, speaking as a man, to be a true friend to a woman and not have a romantic relationship with her seems bizarre because if you as a man are willing to sacrifice your time and energy for a woman and you clearly care for her, it’s obvious you want more than just a friendship with her and she’s just not giving you what you want because she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you.

The modern term is simping, but when I was in high school it was called being a beta orbiter. Don’t be some simp beta orbiter, be a man and tell her what it is you want and if she doesn’t want the same thing, walk away. That’s the most respectful thing you can do for yourself and for her.

It’s a Waste of Time for Both Parties

If you’re a guy and the girl you’re “friends” with says you’re just friends, walk away and move onto another girl because you’re just wasting your time with her. Women are picky and they’re like this for a good reason. But if a woman says to you she only sees you as a friend, that’s basically her polite way of saying “I don’t find you attractive and will never give you a chance because of xyz.”

I’ve been through this many times in my teens and early twenties wasting so much time just hoping for a chance, when the reality is that she was never going to give me a chance period. The same principle applies to all men. Are there one off exceptions where the girl gives a guy a chance? Sure. But those are exceptions not the norm. This is why it’s a waste of time for men to be “friends” with a woman.

For women this is a huge waste of time because what you’re in essence doing is having a “friendship” that quite literally has an expiration date. Women you have to understand that these men are not your real friends and are just interested in you sexually/romantically. For you to deny this is either you being naive/ignorant or well aware of the realities and just being manipulative. If you still doubt what I have to say, go ahead and test your male friends by explicitly saying something sexual to them and saying that you want them. Go and see what happens. I’ll be waiting to give you a, “told you so.”

To add on where I was born and raised, nearly all men and women think like this, where women have no interest in male friends because they know what men want. And men have no interest in female friends because they want a romantic relationship. Both parties are mature and understand what both want. It seems though that in the US this concept seems to have skipped over many people’s heads and is foreign.

The Dynamic is Different

For those that have actually had a romantic relationship and things have ended, either mutually or not. If you and your partner have had an intimate and sexual relationship, there is no way you can go back to just being friends. You’ve crossed the metaphorical romantic Rubicon and are former lovers, not friends.

Another way of putting this is: Friends don’t have sex with each other.

The reason I’m saying this is because too often I’ve dealt with girls ending things with me and offering to stay as friends, I always respectfully decline and move on with my life. In my opinion it’s pretty obvious as to why. I don’t want to be just “friends” and even if I were to stay close with you, what’s going to happen when I meet a new girl and start dating her? She definitely won’t be comfortable with me still being “friends” with an ex-lover and will want me to terminate that relationship. I wouldn’t blame her either because I wouldn’t be alright with a significant other of mine still being friends with her former lover. It’s the case of just making things less complicated and making life easier for everyone else. Some might say this is insecurity or immaturity, I call this common sense and not playing stupid games.

Life is filled with people who are manipulative, don’t bother wasting your time or energy on them. To the women reading this post, you know what I’m referring to: the guy that always seems to be around females that he states are just friends, yet you have your suspicions and reasonably healthy jealousy. To the men that are reading this, you certainly have been in my shoes where you meet girls who only have “guy friends” and instantly you see red flags pop up.

For the case of platonic relationships, I am a firm believer that things are never platonic really, either from the get go, one party wants to date the other while the other doesn’t, or both start off not wanting to be with the other yet overtime one party falls for the other and the other doesn’t want to date them. This is just a silly stupid game that two people are playing and there never really was a friendship, just one person hoping that the other would want to be with them romantically while the other has no interest period.

Ending Notes

I know that this post may have possibly offended some of you, I really don’t care, that’s your problem not mine. I made this post simply to state something that has been known for centuries, since antiquity really, and seems to have gone over a lot of people’s heads. If anything maybe the ones that got angry reading this would stop and question for a second that the points that I’m bringing up are valid.

To state that men and women can be friends is just being naive, they can certainly be acquaintances and colleagues, but never true friends without one party at a minimum wishing to have a romantic relationship with the other.

As stated before when I was a boy I used to think men and women could be friends, now I’m a man and I know for certain that that’s just a lie we told ourselves in a vain attempt to be content with the harsh reality of things.

To wrap things up, they made a song about guys and girls being just friends a long time ago, and it still holds true to this day.

Other than all that, hope you guys and gals got some value out of this post and one last time, if you’re a guy dealing with a situation where you’re interested in a girl and she says “let’s just be friends.” Politely decline and walk away, because there never will be a friendship and you’re just going to be wasting everyone’s time.

3 thoughts on “Men And Women Can’t Be “Just Friends””

  1. Although I agree with a lot of points the author has suggested (opinion only), I would challenge the writer to ask himself, whether he was projecting his views (and beliefs) onto his targeted audience.

    First, I appreciate his forthrightness (as I don’t get offended easily, and I believe in being honest, blunt, and authentic…(I hate PC nonsense). However, when drawing dark conclusions (concerning the shadow-side of human nature) we must be careful, when assuming the intentions of others (in a subjective, non-statistical way). You, and I (and everyone else) is programmed to draw sinister conclusions (concerning other people’s intentions) based on our natural instinct to ward off danger (fight, flight, freeze response). It’s in our reptilian brain (known as the “basal ganglia,” or primal/ self-preservation driven region…controlling the “ID” mechanisms, responsible for reproduction, and survival necessities…ensuring our specie’s survival).

    In my opinion, drawing subjective conclusions (drawn from personal experience) is irresponsible…when stated as “factual.” Every male doesn’t think with his “short sword” (Beverly Hills Ninja). It depends on your libido levels, and one’s control over emotional impulses.

    I’m not even suggesting that you’re wrong (as far as labeling a majority of male intentions). I’m merely suggesting that spreading misinformation, based on “tunnel vision” (an individual’s narrow/ limited life experience) is dangerous, and further perpetuates “group think,” “tribalism,” and emotionally driven “blind conformity,”…typically spreading sinister beliefs.

    I was never a frat boy, a cheater, or a womanizer. I’m no beta male either. I practice impulse control, with strong ties to my faith (to each their own) and I can love my friend(s), without rescuing them, when I’m morally against their behaviors (and actions). In fact, I would argue that “blind loyalty” is more harmful to society (overall). We should strive for “Post-Conventional” enlightenment (abandoning “groupthink,” for independent/ critical reasoning skills). If anything, people need to show bravery (at the risk of being ostracized) by choosing “integrity,” over “public praise.”

    “Integrity means doing what is right, regardless of whether it is uncomfortable, or unpopular.”

    “Integrity is choosing your actions, based on values, rather than personal gain.”

    Thank you for your thoughts. In no way, am I trying to discredit your sentiments (and beliefs) as I do agree with many of your points. I’m just cautioning (with constructive feedback) that we (all of us) should be careful, when spreading “absolutes,” (and subjective feelings) over research-based, objectivity.

    Opinion columns are easy, if you are an experienced writer. True “objectivity” comes from methodical research, discipline, and difficult (often tedious) lab (or correlated) extensive data.

    1. Totally agree with you Jeff. It does seem the writer is only speaking through personal experience. Also sounds a tad primitive and ignorant in my opinion.

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